Posts tagged in which I make an idiot of myself

Audio 12
Notes
Posted 3 months ago
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AudioMonkey – Five Inches (Rough)

First recorded poem. Need to do this more so I don’t suck as much.

Text 3
Notes
Posted 5 months ago

Holidays: A 5 day bender and a Navel Gaze.

I have been on a 5 day bender of drinks, fun, good folk and awesometimes.

Family, friends, loves.

Presents, money, many a floor/couch/cocooning of soft stuff to sleep on. 

Scotch, beer, wine, daquaris (in the car, which ended up all over my face)

Ice skating, Laser Tag, Bowling, Dancing.

This holiday period, given what I expected, has far surpassed anything I could have dreamed of. Anything I could have hoped for. Anything I could have feared, or felt nervous about.

Life is strange, isn’t it? In that you can find yourself seemingly lost within your own little world, avoiding and dancing, controlling and moving through the ether, completely accustomed to who you are and where you come from, and still, still feeling like you’re going to fail.

Only to have someone catch you.

Only to feel your Mother’s embrace, your Father kissing you on the cheek, your sister hitting you upside the head, before asking for a cigarette and then spending the night telling you she loves you. Only to reconnect, redefine and refine friendships and relationships. Only to realise what what you really wanted, what you really NEEDED was always there, inside you, within you, and through you.

To realise that, for a split second, looking down at a phone with the words ‘I Love You’ on the screen, that maybe you’re not so worthless.

Holidays make me usually more aware of the contrast of the shadow of the human condition against the hope that maybe, someday, things will change. This year, they’ve made me more aware that even with so much darkness, so much intrinsic sickness in the world, there’s still so much worth fighting for. Still so much worth loving for, living for, wanting to be loved by. So much worth working towards, so much comfort to be found, even when your back is covered in scratches and bruises from being drunk and play-fighting, and your head is swimming and your stomach can no longer tolerate food of any kind.

There’s so much beauty in the world, no wonder I get so angry when all I can see is ugliness.

Happily for those reading this sap, this period will not change my outlook for long.

I know me.

I know how my brain works and where the shadows lie and the scars cross. I know what I have lived through and how it usually washes the colour of the world out, to fade to a pastel sheen over greyscale, but for now, I’m enjoying the ride. The colour. The vibrance. That feeing in my chest, like I want to laugh forever and smile at passersby as I hover on the very edge of delirious and indescribable joy. The same feeling that makes me give homeless people some of my cigarettes in festive cheer, and shout drinks for my friends while wearing a top hat and being one HELL of a classy harlot.

Soon I’ll return to the place from which my words come, all sharp edges and deadpan eyes and language designed to create articulation on knife-tip and piano wire. To the place where dissonance is the purest kind of comfort and the world is filtered through coffee, cigarettes and spite. And I will be content there, as I always am and always will be.

But for now, in this most festive of occasions, with this most bright and pure kind of insanity, I would just like to thank everyone who has ever taken a step into my world. I would like to tell each and every one of you (including people who will never see this, as they haven’t been assimilated into the TumblrMachine) that I am proud of you, happy for you. That I care about you, that I’m protective of you, passionately and irrevocably bound to you and that while I don’t love each and every one of you, I do like you all a hell of a lot.

Special few know my emotions and that, for me, is enough. But for those who never get let in, there’s your sneak peek. Happy holidays and bring on 2012, where I will spend most of it sitting on my front porch, listening to NIN/HTDA, smoking Peter Stuyversant Classics, drinking fine scotch and laughing as the world burns.

Yep, told you positivity wouldn’t last long.

Photo 1
Notes
Posted 5 months ago
Listening to Stevie Nicks makes me a BAMF. Have a GPOY. *grins* Zoom

Listening to Stevie Nicks makes me a BAMF. Have a GPOY. *grins*

Video 1
Notes
Posted 5 months ago

Post-Work Scotch Shenanigans. AKA: Nat is BORED and has cheap, nasty brown liquor to keep her entertained.

Video
Posted 5 months ago

As Luka is bored and requests pictures of Boobies….

Boobies, Luka?

DENIED!